***

“What do I do? I don’t think I can get off work tomorrow either.”

Yeon Woojeong lamented, his face expressing rare concern. Even yesterday, on Christmas Eve, he had come in at nearly midnight. He said sorry, but truthfully, he didn’t have to. Although it was disappointing, Christmas wasn’t a big deal, and there was always next year.

Still, I felt an urge to buy him a gift, so I went to the department store with Lee Cheolwoo. Lee Cheolwoo said he was buying gifts for his younger siblings, twins, who were in elementary school. He seemed to care about them because of their age difference and they listened to him well.

“Have you decided what to buy?”

“Not yet.”

“How about a necktie? Isn’t that a safe choice?”

“I got him that for his birthday.”

I had bought him a dark gray tie with a subtle pattern, thinking that, as a prosecutor, he couldn’t wear colorful ties. But that week, Yeon Woojeong wore that tie all the time, which made me both happy and worried. When I told him that it would wear out quickly at that rate, he said, “What if it wears out?” and went to work with it again nonchalantly.

“How about a tie clip?”

“A tie clip? He doesn’t wear such a thing.”

“Mmm… A fountain pen!”

“A fountain pen?”

“I bought my father a fountain pen, and he uses it all the time for work. It also looks cool to carry around.”

I pictured Yeon Woojeong working with the pen I would buy him. I was sure he would think of me whenever he used the pen. I liked that.

“That sounds good.”

“It is, right? The store is right there. Let’s go.”

I entered the fountain pen store with Lee Cheolwoo. When I glimpsed the price, I couldn’t believe a pen could be so expensive. As I walked over to the section across from the range I couldn’t afford, a store employee approached me. 

“Is there a product you’re looking for?”

“My friend here wants to buy his brother a gift.”

“May I know the age range of your gift recipient?”

“He’s in his thirties.”

The employee led me to a display counter and showed me many things. Everything looked elegant and cool, but there was nothing that caught my eye. As I half-listened to the employee’s explanation, I looked at another display and something caught my eye, so I headed over to it.

“Oh, that’s also an excellent choice. It has a beautiful design, doesn’t it? It’s inspired by a snowy night sky.”

The black fountain pen faded to white toward the tip, and the transition between black and white, resembling the fall of snow, looked so natural. The gilt on the cap had a slight red hue, which reminded me of a candle’s flame.

“Many younger people like it because it is convenient. You can replace the ink cartridges.”

“I’ll take this one.”

“Would you like to purchase this? It can be engraved. How would you like it?”

“How long will the engraving take?”

“About an hour.”

The employee handed me a notepad to write down the engraving text. I thought about it for a moment and then wrote my name in English.

“Huh? Isn’t this your name?”

“Yes.”

“Why your name? Isn’t this a gift?”

“Just because.”

Lee Cheolwoo still looked curious, but I didn’t bother to answer him. After finishing writing my name, I handed it over to the employee. Then, I left the store with Lee Cheolwoo after paying with a debit card.

“By the way, you chose quickly. It was beautiful, though.”

“What are you going to buy?”

“I’ll get toys. Kids have clear preferences, so I know I’ll pick it up quickly.”

We headed to the toy store. True to his word, Lee Cheolwoo swiftly picked out some toys. He mentioned that having two younger siblings meant he had to pay double for everything. Despite whining about not having enough money, Lee Cheolwoo seemed to enjoy buying gifts. Listening to him talk, it just seemed like a harmonious family.

After buying the gifts, we went upstairs to a restaurant. We ordered rice noodles, fried rice, and a bunch of tempura to share.

“I also need to buy a cake. It’s a cream cake for Christmas!”

A cake? If I bought one, I would be the one to eat it. I wasn’t certain if Yeon Woojeong would be able to come home today. He had said he would go home as soon as possible, but I didn’t think it would be difficult because he looked so busy.

“Wow, time moves fast.”

Lee Cheolwoo, who had been browsing for cake options on his phone, showed his phone to me.

“It’s been a year since this guy took his own life.”

“Who’s that?”

“You don’t know? He was an actor. It made a big fuss last year.”

I didn’t recognize the person. Last Christmas, I was busy with my own problems, and I didn’t watch much TV or movies. I had no interest in them either.

“Why did it have to be on Christmas… By the way, how depressed must someone be to think of taking their own life? I feel sorry for him.”

Lee Cheolwoo put down his phone and sighed. I, eating the tempura, felt something odd, so I looked at Lee Cheolwoo. 

“Have you never thought of wanting to die?”

“Yeah.”

“Not even once?”

“Yes. Have you, Jiho?”

I fell silent as I looked at Lee Cheolwoo, who had opened his eyes wide and asked if I had ever experienced such thoughts. While I continued to chew the tempura in my mouth, Lee Cheolwoo began to speak.

“I’ve never been depressed, and there were times when I was so tired and sad, but such a thought never crossed my mind.”

I see. It was hard to believe there were individuals who had never thought of wanting to die. It was fascinating. And I felt strange about it.

Was I envious of him? No, not really. Rather than that… I didn’t know how I should explain this feeling. I just felt it was strange, and I lost my appetite.

Lee Cheolwoo finished my share of tempura. An hour quickly passed by as we strolled around after eating. I went to pick up the pen at the store.

“Merry Christmas! Go home safely!”

“Yeah, you too.”

I bid farewell to Lee Cheolwoo in front of the department store. Upon returning home, I took out the wrapped gift. It was wrapped up nicely; I didn’t feel the need to do anything more to it. 

On the table in front of the living room window was a small tree adorned with strings of bulbs. Yeon Woojeong had purchased it a week ago. Since we had moved, he often bought impractical decorations and left them at home. There was the Three Little Pigs solar-powered figurine in front of my room window and the molar-shaped hourglass on my desk. The hourglass took only three minutes to run out of sand, and he gave it to me as a reminder to keep it for three minutes when brushing my teeth. I still found it rather absurd.

However, I liked this tree. It was only the size of a potted plant, so it was easy to clean up afterward, and it was cute and small.

If Yeon Woojeong couldn’t come home tonight, I’d have to eat dinner alone. The day felt unusually long.

I took out a book and sat in a chair in front of the living room window, opening it. Lately, I had been reading books one by one. All of them had been read by Yeon Woojeong, so it was fun to discuss them with him afterward.

As I read, I suddenly looked up and saw that the sun was setting. The sky was crimson. While I stared at the red sky, my phone rang.

“Mhm, Mr. Yeon.”

―Yeah. Have you had dinner?

“Not yet.”

―Eat. I think it’ll be difficult for me to go home early today.

Fatigue was evident in Yeon Woojeong’s voice. Judging by his noisy surroundings, it seemed there were many people who went to work despite the holiday. I had gotten used to this, so I didn’t feel particularly saddened or anything.

“Yeah. I got you.”

―Yeah. Wait. Let’s talk again later.

The call ended with a voice calling for Yeon Woojeong. I felt sorry for Yeon Woojeong for being so busy on Christmas. I pitied him.

When it was time for dinner, I ate alone. All the food that Yeon Woojeong had bought in advance, in case he might not be able to come tonight, was delicious. After finishing cleaning up, I thought about washing up, but I caught sight of the shopping bag under the sofa.

I want to give the gift on the same day, but if I go now, he must be busy, won’t he?

Let’s go later, around 10 p.m. With that decision, I turned on the TV and discovered a special Christmas movie playing. The time hardly passed.