Chapter 36 – Confusion and Selfishness (7)

I hurriedly grabbed Lepis’ collar. It was an unconscious reflex action. What was I doing now…? My emotions took precedence over reason.

Lepis looked at me with strange eyes. I pretended not to notice his gaze. His strange gaze soon turned cold and he opened his mouth.

“…He said he would help me.”

I missed the collar I was holding when I saw his face, which I had not seen in a long time. Was it true that he liked me? His gaze was so cold that I thought it was an illusion. I avoided his gaze. Lepis stood in front of me for a while and muttered softly.

“…You have changed a lot.”

He turned his body and walked away from me. As I stared blankly as he walked away, a strange, indescribable emotion filled me.

“What…”

Behind the spot he left, I muttered blankly.

Me losing my control was becoming common. I couldn’t do this… This wouldn’t bode well.

I stood anxiously in front of the door. Every second was urgent as a little bit of time felt like a billion eons. Could Rewan have been captured at this moment…? Maybe, he was being dragged. I anxiously waited for Acacia.

He was in the training ground when he was called to me as he appeared a little disheveled. He faced me as I was pacing through the door.

“I heard you called me.”

“Don’t let them find Rewan.”

Acacia came into my room and covered me with a thick blanket on the bed. He held the hem of the blanket in my hands and let out a low sigh.

“You’ll catch a cold again. You just got better.”

“…I-I don’t care.”

“I’ll make sure you don’t have to worry about it.”

It was an affirmative answer. At the same time as the tension breaking, my consciousness was cut off. It was dark.

* * *

I stared at two men sleeping in uncomfortable positions in front of me. It was a dark night, the sun had not yet risen.

Negative emotions ate me again, and my head was messed up. I’d rather they hold me without thinking about anything. Why did such not very poignant reasons become so confusing? It had been a while since I’d ever been confused. I couldn’t figure it out.

…No. It was terribly lonely. I was not me… No one recognized me

I was so stupid I thought it was too easy. They weren’t just a part of writing that prayed for Arne’s destruction. They were living beings, thinking and acting. I thought simply — because I like being hurt, because I want tragedy because I like negative emotions — It was not such an easy matter to think about.

I should have known that it could change.

It started with a small sob. It was painful because I couldn’t even cry. I hated people who made me suffer like this. It was terrible.

I didn’t want love. I didn’t want to worry.

It was a life that was born the wrong way. I was not loved even by my parents, so a little heat and pleasure were good. Short s*x was fine if someone considered me special. What I wanted was warmth and concentration for that brief time.

At first, I was satisfied with normal s*x, then it got boring and didn’t give me satisfaction. I raised the level even more. I tried to get hit, and I played with many people, so I lived a life full of pleasure.

Someone’s worries were awkward. Someone loving me was awkward…

I didn’t know there was someone here who would treat me so kindly. It was awkward because it was the first time I was loved because it was different from the original story. And, it was sad that the love was not for me, but me, who was wearing Arne’s shell.

It was the first warm feeling I had ever received in my life. It was me who expected and wanted tragedy and downfall. Yet this… I didn’t want this.

A silent cry leaked out of my mouth. I gathered my knees, buried my face, and sobbed.

Now, I was me. If I revealed myself, wanting s*x and showing myself pursuing that kind of s*x, would they not worry about me anymore? Maybe, they wouldn’t love me anymore? I didn’t want to be obsessed with it anymore.

Even though I didn’t want to be Arne anymore, I did. Why couldn’t I let go of anything because I was so terribly selfish?

I wept at the conflicting emotions. I didn’t know what I wanted.

‘…Do I want to be loved? Or, do I want to live a life full of pleasure?’

It was a cry that started as a small sob. They noticed the crying that was like the fountain had burst. Still, they pretended to be asleep. I didn’t want to be here any longer because of these little considerations.

Because they loved me, cared for me, and took care of me, I couldn’t accept their consideration.

The sun rose up.

The morning was always bright. Even so, a lot of emotions were washed away with one cry. I washed my face with cold water. They woke up to the sound of me crying, but they didn’t move, and they didn’t say anything to me despite seeing my swollen eyes.

“You can go now. My sickness is okay, and I’m fine.”

“Then, I’ll be on my way.”

Acacia nodded and disappeared. Even though he had left, Lepis stood guard. He seemed to have something to say. I gazed at him with an uncomfortable expression.

“Do you have anything to say to me?”

“…I don’t know why you care so much about him.”

Lepis seemed to be mistaken for the reason I cried last night because of Rewan.

I met his gaze.

“Why do you care about me? What is the reason for the difference between your attitude the first time and the present?”

Aggressive remarks came out. He was silent for a moment, then opened his mouth. Lepis seemed to be wondering.

“Is it… is it the same reason?”

Rumble.

My heart sank. I gazed at him, pretending to be calm. I made an anxious sound, ignoring my beating heart.

“I…”

—Thump, thump.

“I think I love you.”

“…You can’t.”

I denied Lepis’ words. However, he didn’t harden a single bit in spite of my refusal. As the distance narrowed, he grabbed a handful of my hair and kissed my lips.

“See that I want to give everything without you asking for anything.”

“….”

“It seems like this is love.”

For a moment, there was silence in the room. I shook my head and took a step back. He looked at me, widening the distance, but he didn’t move, he just stood there.

“If I tell you to die, can you die? I want your death.”

“Gladly.”

“….”

“I am willing to die.”

In that absurd situation, I was stunned. He hated me, no Arne. He hated it so much that he wanted to kill me and commissioned to kill me… How could he love me? Lepis knelt before me. Although he was a high-ranking and noble person, he fell on his knees, now in a situation that was inferior to a slave.

“From now on, my life is in your hands.”

“….”

“My life and death are yours. I love you. Arne.”

[ Lepis didn’t like that Arne was disturbing the imperial discipline. Stories about her were heard everywhere in the imperial court. How her tender skin was, how her breasts were, and how good it felt to shame her… There were stories of this dirty talk.

Before that, the stories of the imperial people were economic stories. In the imperial court where intellectual stories such as the situation were the main focus.

Occasionally, he heard stories like what the brothels they went to were like, but it did not dissipate so much like this. He didn’t like the water getting so cloudy because talks like that came in. It was not noble.

“The discipline of the Imperial Palace is relaxed because of Arne.”

It was a meeting place only for high-ranking nobles. The Emperor was nowhere to be seen. Lepis talked about his dissatisfaction.

“Therefore, is work delayed or is there something big going on? That it was a play in the dreary and uninteresting imperial palace life… Isn’t that right, Count?”

“You’re right.”

The shouts and laughter of other nobles filled the conference hall.

Lepis sighed at the sight of not being able to find any nobleness among them, even after rubbing his eyes. He frowned at the nobles’ stories that started again. He didn’t like it.

Truly, it was a departure from what he thought was the standard of exemplary nobility. It didn’t matter what they were doing in their private space. However, this chaos in the Imperial Palace was unbearable.

“Then, you say you’ve never done anything with her before.”

The Count blurted his words. What he meant was clear. Lepis felt insulted as his unpleasant feelings for Arne grew bigger in size.

After the meeting, he went to Distria’s office.

He was supposed to report what the talks were in the meeting, but he had nothing to report. What they said for two hours was the firmness of Arne’s body or what kind of expression she made when they put it in. It was the lowliness that he could not dare bring up.

Lepis was very meticulous. He wasn’t flexible either. Normally, he wrote down words one by one that would otherwise have been erased by other people — even who coughed. It was he who arranged them neatly. There was nothing in the meeting, so there was nothing to organize.

Distria looked at him with a puzzled expression on the blank report.

Lepis took the report and handed him the meeting log as he looked at him silently. As Distria read the report, his expression gradually hardened. He threw down the journal as if it was uncomfortable to read.

“Cheeky. Talking like that in the meeting. I have to clean it up.”

Lepis had no doubts, believing that it was Arne that Distria was going to clean up. However, within a few days, he was at a loss for words when he saw that the nobles who had said vulgar words were being purged in large numbers. ]