#124 

The real Yeon Hwawoon might have spent the night with the emperor, but that experience was not of the current Hwawoon. Hwawoon had never held hands with a woman, let alone a man, so it was unimaginable for him to suddenly spend the night with the emperor in such a situation.

However, the reason Hwawoon was so afraid and refused the emperor’s order with a lie was not simply because he was afraid due of his lack of experience. It was because Hwawoon thought that he did not deserve the emperor’s favor. That was obvious. He wasn’t Yeon Hwawoon. Although he had Yeon Hwawoon’s body, he was a very insignificant, lowly person, and even at the moment, he was a great sinner who was deceiving the emperor. Therefore, how could Hwawoon accept the emperor’s night by pretending to be unaware of it?

“I can’t. I shouldn’t do that…” 

“Your Highness…” 

Ahjin called out in concern as she saw her master trembling with fear and muttering unexpected words with a sad face as if he was about to burst into tears. It had been a while since the Emperor had spent the night with her master. It was a pity that the opportunity had been wasted, but the appearance of her master seemed like a person hiding something from her, so Ahjin felt like bursting into tears as well.

***

“Seojeong Palace must be located very far away from here.”

Yihan spoke nervously, tapping the armrest of the chair he was sitting on with his palm. He was waiting for Eunuch Oh to return from his trip to Seojeong Palace. It seemed like hours had passed since he left Jungcheon Palace. Of course, it hadn’t been that long. However, Yihan, who was waiting for Eunuch Oh’s return, felt that way.

“… What’s there to be nervous about?” 

In fact, it was not necessary to wait for Eunuch Oh. Yihan was the emperor. If the emperor said where he was going to stay for the night, that was it. This was not asking for permission, but giving orders. Who in the palace, including the empress, would dare to reject the emperor’s night?

He knew that, and he knew that Yeon Hwawoon would welcome him even more because he hadn’t spent the night with the emperor for so long, but he didn’t know why he was so nervous like this.

It was always like that whenever he thought about it. Everything that was usually very ordinary and insignificant always agitated him when it came to Yeon Hwawoon. Yihan now felt that it was getting difficult to escape from all these emotions by saying that he did not know why.

Trying to calm his restless mind, Yihan raised his hand and stuck his thumb in his mouth, then mused. He looked at the word “Yeonbin” written on the nameplate sent by Gyeongsa-bang. While reflecting on the fact that he had returned all the nameplates countless times, he fell into deep thought inside the serene bedroom. As he thought about it, he tried to erase the face of Yeon Hwawoon that had filled his mind no matter how much he rejected it every night. And in fact, Yihan had imagined spending the night with Yeon Hwawoon countless times.

It must be different from what Yihan knew. Since he had changed so much, it was obvious that spending the night with him would not be the same as Yihan remembered. What kind of face will he look up at me? What kind of expression will he make when my lips touch his skin? How will the sound flowing through the burning lips break down a man’s heart?

Things had gotten worse since that day when he desperately savored his lips when he was out of his mind due to the fever. As soon as such a thought arose in his mind, Hwawoon’s soft lips, his weak, gasping breath, and his skinny body in his arms that he felt that day came to his mind vividly as if he could see a hotter fantasy right in front of his eyes. On such a night, Yihan had to spend a difficult night alone because he couldn’t sleep easily until late.

In a way, this could be a first for Yihan himself. Of course, it was not the first night he spent with Yeon Hwawoon, but everything felt like the first time with Yeon Hwawoon, who had changed into a different person. When he thought so, the nervousness intensified. Now his head was spinning, trying to figure out how to start with a kiss and what to do next. 

“Ugh…!”

Suddenly, he felt a slight pain from the hand he was biting. As he came to his senses, he found a clear bite mark on the finger he was biting. His whole body tensed up without him knowing when he imagined the night with Hwawoon. A vain laugh rang out. He came to realize that he wasn’t this nervous on the first night. Then, a person waiting by the door came in. 

“Your Majesty, this person has come back.”

“Very well. Did you convey the news well?” 

Yihan tried to pretend nothing happened. He replied normally as though all this time he didn’t think of Yeon Hwawoon at all and he had never been waiting for Eunuch Oh to come back. However, Eunuch Oh’s reaction was strange. 

“Yes. However, Your Majesty…”

“…?”

“His Highness Yeonbin…” 

“What’s wrong with Yeonbin?” 

“That’s… His Highness Yeonbin…”

Suddenly, a feeling of uneasiness came over him. Eunuch Oh’s role was merely to carry the emperor’s order. He wasn’t asked to do anything particularly difficult, nor was he sent to a difficult place. And yet, Eunuch Oh hesitated and had a hard time speaking, unlike him. Yihan opened his mouth with a voice that showed his nervousness as his restless heart began to pound again.

“Why are you hesitating? Did something happen to Yeonbin?” 

“It’s… His Highness Yeonbin said: I’m not feeling well today…”

“…?”

“So I don’t think I can serve His Majesty today… That’s what he said…” 

“What?” 

“His Highness Yeonbin said he is terribly sorry and will soon come to ask for your forgiveness… because he couldn’t serve you tonight.” 

Yihan suddenly had counted his chickens before they hatched alone.

“Why…? Why?” 

That was the only thing the emperor, who had been reflecting on what Eunuch Oh said with a blank face for a long time, said. Why? Why is it? Yihan finally got up from his seat and took a step closer to Eunuch Oh and continued his questions.

“Did he say he hates me?” 

The Emperor was so surprised that his tone was like an immature boy from a commoner’s family. Hearing a question he hadn’t expected at all, Eunuch Oh couldn’t hide his confused expression and looked up at the emperor. He could not believe with his own eyes that his lord was wearing such a sorrowful expression, that he could have such deer-like eyes. In the meantime, Yihan, who took another step closer to Eunuch Oh, said. 

“Did he say he didn’t want to spend the night with me?” 

“No, it’s not like that. His Highness Yeonbin is not feeling well…” 

“Isn’t he making an excuse because he doesn’t want me to go?”

Yihan looked as if the sky had collapsed. He had never imagined that Hwawoon would reject him even for the slightest bit. For Yihan, who had only imagined how beautiful Hwawoon would be in his arms and how to approach him more carefully, Eunuch Oh’s words sounded like a bolt from the blue. 

“How could that be, Your Majesty? His Highness Yeonbin is your concubine, so how could he refuse your visit?” 

Eunuch Oh’s words, spoken as an apology on Hwawoon’s behalf, actually made sense. However, for some reason, Yihan could not take it at face value. He was sure there must be another reason. Yihan stood there and calmed down his confused mind, recalling the Yeon Hwawoon he had seen so far. He sincerely treated the emperor with great respect and reverence, not just because he was a concubine, so much that on some days, he even made Yihan’s heart sad for no reason with such a courteous demeanor. 

But such a man refused the emperor’s visit just because he was sick? 

Yihan was so dubious of it. The emperor opened his mouth again, quickly erasing away his shaken expression. 

“Did he look so ill that he could not even face me?” 

Eunuch Oh’s face grew serious at the emperor’s different ways of asking, and he bent down to answer. 

“… Although he looked pale, he did not seem to be much different from his usual self.”

“Speak honestly of what you have seen, not of what he has told you. Did he look… like he hates it?” 

Speak of what you have seen, not of what he has told you. The emperor’s question meant he was telling Eunuch Oh to bring out his thoughts that he could not bear to say out loud. Eunuch Oh, recalling how Hwawoon treated him, said. 

“He didn’t seem to dislike it…” 

“He didn’t, and…?”

“His Highness Yeonbin looked as if he was scared.” 

“He was scared…” 

“Yes, Your Majesty. He was like someone who’s nervous about facing something he’s very afraid of… That’s how he looked in the eyes of this person.” 

The emperor’s heart dropped with a thud. Scared? He was nervous as if he was afraid? Doesn’t that mean that Hwawoon is afraid of me? Yihan shook his head. It was impossible. Previously, Yihan had already asked Hwawoon if he was afraid of him. What was Hwawoon’s answer then? He said that he admired the emperor so much that he was feeling awkward, not afraid. 

But now he was scared and backing away, and for what? Yihan honestly thought he was rather softer with Yeonbin after that conversation. He thought he shouldn’t do that. He made up his mind several times a day that he shouldn’t do that, and even tried to visit the Empress Dowager late at night, but in the end, he ended up finding Hwawoon again, putting all his efforts in vain.