#126 

“I have been indifferent to you.” 

“Your Majesty… How… How could you say that…”

“I was carried away by my emotions, like a child, and couldn’t fully see you.” 

He thought it would be okay if he just pretended he didn’t notice. He didn’t have the courage to face his heart and admit it, so he consoled himself that it was impossible and thought it wouldn’t matter if he lived as he had been before. And Yihan didn’t know that Hwawoon had to put up with all his whims while he wandered around like that. Yihan thought that he was the only one fighting such a tough battle in their relationship.

While in fact, it was Yeon Hwawoon who was holding it all alone and quietly behind Yihan whenever he got angry, sulked, came closer as he liked it, and ran away because he couldn’t handle his own heart. Yet Yeon Hwawoon, who must have been so unfamiliar with the imperial palace that he was even afraid to spend the night with the emperor, had never once shown even a hint of that common complaint. 

“Woon-ah.” 

Yihan called the name once again because he felt suffocated. Hwawoon frowned slightly every time Yihan called him that way and seemed to burst into tears right away. 

“I will stay by your side today.”

“But, Your Majesty…!”

Hwawoon hurriedly opened his mouth to speak, but Yihan raised his hand to block him from speaking.

“Shh, wait. Listen to me first. I don’t mean to embrace you. I won’t force you to do anything if you don’t want to. It’s just…”

Because he was his concubine. Such was the nature of a concubine’s position. Yihan naturally thought that Hwawoon would obviously welcome him. Yet he was wary of giving Yeon Hwawoon special treatment. It was ridiculous. Then, Yihan continued with a soft voice as if to soothe Hwawoon.

“It’s just I want to be by your side. If you don’t mind… Will you share your bed with me tonight?” 

Maybe it was hypocrisy. No matter what he said, the relationship between them, the emperor and his concubine, could not change, so the emperor’s request could be nothing short of a command to Yeon Hwawoon. 

“If it’s hard to refuse, just don’t say anything. I will go back if you don’t answer. Even this may be a burden to you, but…”

“…”

“Please understand me who wants to be by your side even in this way.” 

But still, Yihan wanted to ask Hwawoon. He wanted to ask his permission, even if it was in a silky formality. He wanted to show him that he wouldn’t force him to spend the night with him using the emperor’s authority. Yihan’s breath trembled after finishing his speech.

Then, what about Hwawoon? What did Yeon Hwawoon’s heart feel when he heard the mighty emperor ask him to let him stay next to a humble person?

Before he faced the emperor, he thought he shouldn’t do that. That he shouldn’t be greedy for something great without knowing his place. He convinced himself that he had to refuse his grace somehow. 

But now the emperor was in front of Hwawoon. The only person he had been greedy for in his whole life. The person who made him not regret losing his life was asking him for a humble night with such a sweet and fragile face. Hwawoon, sitting there, understood for the first time the hearts of many concubines who would do anything to win the emperor’s favor. 

Thus, Hwawoon held the emperor’s sleeve. He was unable to tell the emperor that he wanted him to stay with him. But he also couldn’t tell a lie that he wanted him to go back. Hwawoon clutched his sleeve only with desperate selfishness, hoping that the emperor would understand his heart. 

Yihan’s eyes slowly turned to Hwawoon’s hand. To his desperate touch as if he had poured out all his courage. 

As if entranced, the emperor’s hand clasped the back of Hwawoon’s hand. Then he wrapped his other hand around Hwawoon’s cheek. Hwawoon flinched for a moment, but it was never a move to avoid the emperor’s touch. At that moment, the emperor recalled the heat that Yeon Hwawoon could not remember, and Hwawoon remembered the dream he had that night, which the emperor would not have imagined.

The heat slowly engulfed them both, too hot to be excused as a summer night. Very slowly, Yihan approached Hwawoon so that Hwawoon would not be startled and could refuse if he wished. Yihan’s hand was cupping Hwawoon’s face, but he was not applying any force to force him to do anything. At this moment, Yihan was the most vulnerable man in the world. 

Their breath tangled up. Looking down at Hwawoon’s lips, Yihan slowly brought the tip of his nose to pass by the tip of Hwawoon’s nose. Hwawoon bit his lip, but he did not back away, and Yihan paused for a very short time in front of his nose, suggesting that it was his last chance. If you don’t want to, it’s okay, so push me away now. Yihan was saying that in silence.

However, Hwawoon did not push Yihan away. He didn’t even say no. Hwawoon already knew that Yihan would have stopped with a very small gesture of rejection from him. But instead of backing away. Instead of pushing his body away. 

I have no objection if the price of this brief moment will be eternal burning in hell.

Thinking so, Hwawoon gladly closed his eyes. 

***

At first, their lips touched very cautiously. They were both clumsy as if it was the first time. Yihan pressed on Hwawoon’s lips and released them carefully as if he was afraid of hurting Hwawoon if he made the slightest mistake. There was a faint sound of flesh colliding and separating.

Yihan brushed the tips of their nose once more, a gesture that seemed to ask for permission, and dug a little deeper into Hwawoon’s lips as he did not back down. He could feel Hwawoon’s trembling as they got closer. He found Hwawoon not pushing him away despite being nervous to be so endearing, but he was also worried that Hwawoon was enduring what he hated because he was a concubine and he was the emperor.

Yihan slowly pulled his lips away, barely resisting the urge to push on, and tried to catch his breath. Hwawoon, even more out of breath than Yihan, stared at him, his chest heaving faintly. 

In front of Hwawoon, who was panting through his red lips with wet eyes and flushed face due to their kiss, Yihan felt all the moments he spent in anguish were useless. No, not only that, but he also regretted the long road that he wandered around endlessly.

How could I be sure that I could turn a blind eye to such a strong emotion?

Yihan, who was sweeping down Hwawoon’s skinny shoulders and arms affectionally, soon opened his mouth. 

“Woon-ah.” 

“… Yes, Your Majesty.” 

“I think… I have to go back.”

Hwawoon’s eyes widened as he heard the emperor, who just a moment ago said he wouldn’t do what he didn’t like, and asked him to let him by his side. Without time to think calmly, Hwawoon spoke reflexively. 

“What, what did I do wrong?” 

“Huh?” 

“Is this because… Because I’m so bad at it…” 

Hwawoon realized what he was talking about and quickly covered his mouth with both hands. He wondered if he had really lost his mind because of a kiss. Of course, Hwawoon had been thinking a lot on his own since he had that embarrassing dream. And he even thought for a moment that the emperor would lose his excitement because of him, who was surely clumsy because it was the first time. But he really didn’t expect those words to come out at such an important moment.

His flushed face turned even redder as if it was about to explode. Yihan blinked for a while because he couldn’t understand what he had just heard, then tilted his head slightly and burst out laughing. The tension in the room quickly dissipated.

Yihan grabbed Hwawoon’s hands, which were covering his mouth, and gently pulled them down. He then said, rubbing Hwawoon’s tightly closed red lips with his fingers. 

“How could that be? It’s just…” 

“…”

“I don’t think I’ll be able to control myself if I stay here much longer.” 

“Oh…”

Hwawoon finally understood Yihan’s meaning and looked down at his body for a while. Suddenly, he remembered the face he had seen in the mirror today. Yeon Hwawoon’s face. A man whose beauty was second to none. He had gotten quite used to it, and sometimes, there was a day when he was surprised by himself who didn’t find that face to be unfamiliar. But Hwawoon knew that this face, this body, was not his. 

Before he could think more, Hwawoon’s mouth opened first. 

“Your Majesty.” 

“Hmm?” 

“You said to me the other day that… If my hands were bigger and rougher than now, you would have seen them as they are now…” 

He knew that he should have stopped speaking. He also knew that he was being presumptuous. Nevertheless, Hwawoon couldn’t stop the words from pouring out. It was blood and tears that Hwawoon had been shedding for a long time. It was pain and sorrow that he had been holding in alone because he couldn’t tell anyone. As such, Hwawoon only showed his pain to his emperor, Sung Yihan.