#149

What if—What if I lose this person? Yihan thought, his gaze fixed on Hwawoon, who knelt before the Emperor, helping him put on his shoes. His heart ached as if it were being squeezed. The prospect of losing someone so dear, someone he had cradled in his arms for the first time, someone he knew he could never replace, all because of a simple question, was unfathomable. The mere thought of it was agonizing, and he couldn’t bear to imagine the reality of such a loss.

Suddenly, he recalled a woman who had spent her entire life unhappy due to love. She had always been so timid, unable to voice a single complaint or raise her voice against the woman his love adored, fearing that she might be hated even more.

He wondered if that woman had been as anxious and nervous as he was now, so that even though her insides were rotting and bleeding, she couldn’t say a word.

“Woon-ah.”

Yihan called him by the nickname that had become familiar between them. Hwawoon slowly raised himself to face Yihan, and his eyes shone with their usual brilliance, but somehow they looked sad. Yihan wasn’t sure if it was his sadness, or his own sadness at seeing him.

“… Are you really okay?”

“…”

“Is everything truly… okay?”

He buried the questions he really wanted to ask in his heart and uttered only such words.

Is your heart, the heart I thought I had already received, is everything really, really okay?

Yihan’s lips moved desperately as he swallowed his unspoken words. He became more restless because the man who had cried so bitterly the night before was now speaking so calmly. Hwawoon looked into Yihan’s eyes for a moment in silence, then smiled.

“I will be okay, Your Majesty.” 

In Yihan’s eyes, Hwawoon’s smile looked like tears. Yihan thought that maybe Hwawoon’s heart was crying.

“Everything… everything will be okay.”

Although these words seemed to offer reassurance, they sounded far from reassuring to Yihan’s ears. There were so many fears gnawing at him, fears he had never known before, so Yihan couldn’t bring himself to ask any questions till the end.

***

“Your Highness…”

Her Master sat by the window, gazing into the distance for a prolonged spell, lost in his thoughts. This silence made Ahjin uneasy, prompting her to finally open her mouth and call out to him. Despite understanding that it was only natural for Hwawoon’s demeanor to change after the incident, she couldn’t shake the irrational fear that enveloped her as she watched him gradually fade from her view. In Ahjin’s eyes, Hwawoon resembled a man made of mist.

Upon hearing Ahjin’s call, Hwawoon turned his head agonizingly slowly. When their eyes locked, he offered a gentle smile, but his expression carried an air of resignation, which continued to weigh heavily on Ahjin’s heart. Then, Hwawoon spoke.

“Ahjin.”

“Yes, Your Highness! Are you experiencing any discomfort or… Do you need something?”

Ahjin replied, her voice rising with enthusiasm. Hwawoon shook his head and continued.

“No. More than that… I just wanted to say thank you.”

“… Sorry?”

“From the beginning to this time. I mean… From the time I lost my memory, when I was so alone, so lost, until now… Ahjin, you were the closest to me, the first to believe in me, to help me, to protect me.”

Hwawoon continued, but Ahjin couldn’t offer any words, so she only listened with an open mouth. She was so dumbfounded because she didn’t expect to hear this right now. Regardless of her condition, Hwawoon continued.

“Ahjin, if it weren’t for you, I really… I really couldn’t have gotten through that time.”

“Your, Your Highness… Why… Why did you say that all of a sudden…?”

Ahjin was being praised, but she felt strangely uneasy, so she replied as if to stop Hwawoon from talking more. He had been so quiet since he woke up, and he was speaking of something so unexpected now. To Ahjin, these all seemed like bad premonitions.

Her master was the most favored concubine in the palace right now, and what waited for him was nothing but blossoms that would make up for all his hardships. Although he had just gone through an accident, he came out of it unscathed. Ahjin couldn’t imagine what could be causing her to feel this way.

“I just… wanted to tell you. I just can never thank you enough.”

“Well, Your Highness. It’s rather you who saved me. What I’ve done for you is nothing compared to what you’ve given me.”

Though Yeon Hwawoon had been the source of Ahjin’s past torment, the man standing before her now, a reborn Yeon Hwawoon who had lost his memory and transformed into a new person, was undeniably Ahjin’s savior. She would willingly give her life for him. Despite the recent days of respite being brief in comparison to her days of suffering, the care she had received during this time had been immeasurably precious.

Hwawoon, however, shook his head at Ahjin’s words. Ahjin wanted to ask why he was shaking his head, but Hwawoon spoke a little faster.

“… Ahjin. Can you go and summon Seocheon and So Jeong?”

“Right now…?”

“Yes. And send everyone back.”

“… You shouldn’t be alone, Your Highness. It might be dangerous, so please let me stay.”

Ahjin voiced her concerns. She had indeed heard Hwawoon admit to falling by his own mistake. However, she now knew who Seocheon’s friend was, and even So Jeong wasn’t entirely trustworthy, given the Emperor had issued an order to restrict him. The notion of her master confronting them alone was, to say the least, unsettling.

“No, it’s okay. It’s really okay… So just do what I say, Ahjin. Please.”

“Your Highness…”

However, Hwawoon remained steadfast, nodding with a subtle smile in response to Ahjin’s attempt to persuade him once more. The determination in his eyes was unwavering, as if he had made a profound choice. In the end, Ahjin had no option but to comply with his wishes, lowering her head in acknowledgment.

***

Hwawoon gazed down at Socheon and So Jeong, who knelt side by side before him. In usual circumstances, he would have instructed them to rise, but this time, Hwawoon simply observed them in silence. A peculiar tension hung in the air. So Jeong’s gaze remained fixed on the floor, his expression stern and contemplative, while Seocheon struggled to suppress the impulse to raise his head and meet Hwawoon’s gaze directly.

Seocheon wasn’t only restraining his urge to look up; he was also suppressing a multitude of questions he longed to ask Hwawoon. How did Hwawoon know his name? How long had he known it? Why did he address him so familiarly, so naturally, and with such affection? The flood of questions swirled in his mind, making it feel as if his head might burst. However, out of respect for Yeonbin, Yeon Hwawoon’s noble status, Seocheon dared not be the first to raise his head and speak.

Soon, Hwawoon began to speak.

“Seocheon.”

“… Yes, Your Highness.”

The moment his name was called, his heart sank. His heart raced wildly even though he didn’t know what Hwawoon would say. As he tried to calm his racing breathing, Hwawoon continued.

“That day… Thank you for saving me.”

As soon as Hwawoon finished speaking, the gazes of Seocheon and So Jeong both turned to Hwawoon. Hwawoon was wearing a very faint smile. He looked so benevolent as if he understood everything. So Jeong’s eyes, which had been firm until then, shook violently for a moment before settling back into a calm expression. So Jeong lowered his gaze again to the floor, but Seocheon couldn’t take his trembling gaze away from Hwawoon. Hwawoon said. 

“I know you tried to save me. I will provide testimony that you did not harm me, which should prevent the Emperor from blaming you further. So don’t worry.”

With those words, Seocheon finally recognized that he hadn’t truly been concerned about any of that. The Emperor could have taken his life at a moment’s notice for causing harm to Yeonbin, but in the past few days and nights, that fear had inexplicably faded away.

As Seocheon’s lips trembled, struggling to articulate the questions lodged in his throat, Hwawoon shifted his gaze to So Jeong. Seated upright, So Jeong seemed to already know what Hwawoon was going to say. Hwawoon opened his mouth again.

“So Jeong.”

“Yes, Your Highness. Offer your questions, please.”

“Did you ever meet me before I lost my memory?”

So Jeong slowly shook his head.

“No, Your Highness. As I said before, the first time I saw you up close and personal was the day I became the Head Eunuch of Jeongan Palace and came to greet you.”

“Then…”

After letting out a short, deep breath, Hwawoon asked.

“Then, why did you try to kill me?”